Fear Driven Life | When Fear and Intention Conflict

What drives fear? You know, that chest pounding, can’t breathe, brain activating in absolute negativity response to whatever it is that you seem to be resisting. THAT fear.

This has been occupying me lately as I review my life on some different and frustrating levels. The levels we don’t want to face or acknowledge but know that once we do, we could probably move on quite effortlessly in life.

There are some important steps that I need to make that will propel me back into my optimal health but I feel paralyzed and stuck in one spot as my brain fights and fights with all the ‘what ifs’ that keep me on the path of wrong decisions.

I wasn’t born healthy and my parents were told to expect me to have health issues, which we’ve all accepted. My childhood had its moments but I made it through the challenges with my health. If I had to take (more) medication – I did. If I had to go to (more) doctors appointments – I did. If I had to strengthen my lungs through fitness – I did. Change my nutrition – did that too.

The Slipping Point
Since I moved to Texas, I’ve neglected my histamine diet and, in the last two years I’ve had:

  • a few surgeries
  • a Jones fracture on my right foot
  • a few infections

All of this has come with multiple setbacks. One of the setbacks has been increased antibiotic and prednisone prescriptions. Another has been weight gain along with the inability to even want to move. It’s a frustrating circle to be in.

Feel good, start walking or jogging and do some workouts, get sick, take antibiotics, take another break from fitness, feel awful and my head fills with a huge sense of continuous failure.

Fear is in my way
As of late, I have come to a realization. FEAR is standing in my way. In order for me to be in my optimal health, there are a few major things I need to do:

  • Lose 10 (or more) pounds to decrease the frequency of Xolair injections (I was on monthly injections before moving to Texas)
  • Manage my histamine intolerance by following the diet (did it before without issues)
  • Exercise to strengthen my lungs, improve my ability to fight off infections and to feel invincible (been there, done that, loved that)

That seems pretty manageable, right? Not for me.

I started asking myself “why” questions. I read this technique in one of the mentor interviews Tim Ferris has in “Tribe of Mentors.” I’ve learned that asking myself (the right) questions is the healthiest thing I can do. No more “why me” bullshit, it’s really about responsibility.

My questions went something like this:

      “Why are you avoiding taking care of yourself?” – “Because I’m too tired”

      “Why are you too tired?” – “Because lately I’ve always got something pushing me back down.”

      “Why do you always have something pushing you down?” ….

I won’t bore you with the details, but the final why question arrived at the following answer:

“Because I’m afraid that after I exercise, eat better, reduce my weight and reduce the Xolair frequency that I won’t be better.”

I’ve been stuck in this rut of not feeling well for a long freaking time and this answer is very troubling. My conscience didn’t see it coming but my sub-conscience threw that answer out and it slammed into me like a freight train. Man, I’ve got A LOT of work to do!

The Power of Motivation
I have a lot of amazing friends, but there are a few in particular who are skilled at kicking my ass and have been doing it successfully for at least the last two decades. I have gone through so much and these friends have picked me off the floor and dusted me off, gave me the love and support I needed and have kicked my ass into action. The problem is, I haven’t actually engaged them as of late to kick my ass because we don’t talk enough or see each other nearly enough. It’s been at least four years and it sucks.

I sat in my living room the other morning, drinking my cawfee and toggled between reading and letting my mind wander. I realized that perhaps I could just put myself back into the days when they picked me up and pushed me forward. In a nutshell, they’d tell me:

“Just start. You’ll be ok. YOU WILL BE BETTER. You just need to start.”

This past weekend, I walked 4 miles. I know that it’s not a lot, it’s ‘just a start’ and that’s the start I need to release the fear and take my steps forward.

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